July 5, 2011
On this date in 1996, Dolly the Sheep was born, thereby sounding the death knell for the natural order of things in this crazy, mixed-up world. As you may recall, Dolly the Sheep was the first mammal ever successfully cloned, but she certainly was not the last. Immediately after her “birth” (if you can call it that (1)), Scottish scientists announced plans to clone a lion, that they might — and I quote here — “[l]ie down… tog[ether].”
Either that, or something about a “down-lined toga.” They were from Scotland. Sometimes it gets a bit broguish in there.
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On this date in 1830, France invaded Algeria. And then on this date in 1962, Algeria gained its independence from France. Wow. That was lucky timing, right? Like a 1 in 365 1/4 shot.
(1) You can.
July 4, 2011
On this date, in celebration of Independence Day, Americans like to exercise their freedom by blowing things up. Oh, at home I mean. Not in the usual way.
July 3, 2011
On this date in 1754, George Washington surrendered Fort Necessity to the French (and Indian?) troops. Which was a real blow to the war against the French (and Indians). Of all the forts, we really, reallyneeded that one.
Fun fact: George Washington would later go on to appear on the one dollar bill!
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On this date in 1778, Prussia declared war on Austria! Moments later, realizing their mistake, they apologized and then declared war on Paustria, which is what they had meant all along. They did not declare war, however, on any Indians.
Fun fact: 150 years later, Prussia ceased to exist!
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Tomorrow, we will celebrate the fact that even though the United States defeated the British Crown to achieve self-rule several hundred years ago, in these past two weeks I have become King of England and owner of the continental US. Thus, my destiny — and yours — is manifest.
Fun fact: Huh?
July 2, 2011
On this date in 1776, the Continental Congress adopted a resolution severing ties with Great Britain, but held onto it until the 4th to make sure it was released on a holiday.
THAT’S IT.
July 1, 2011
Happy Canada Day in Canada! Happy Republic Day in Ghana! Happy Emancipation Day in Suriname and Netherlands Antilles! Happy Independence Day Burundi and Rwanda! And, um, Happy Hong Kong Special Administrative Region Establishment Day!
To all of you except Hong Kong, we celebrate you! And to Hong Kong, we do hereby give all proper and fitting acclamations following only the strictest protocol necessary for a thrilling yet understated celebration!
June 30, 2011
On this date in 1905, Albert Einstein published “On the Electrodynamics of Moving Bodies,” in which he introduced special relativity.
Special relativity would lead an exciting, zesty life until it was killed in 1912 by general relativity, (who at that point was only a colonel). When asked why he killed special relativity the colonel replied: “Je ne sais pas… he just thought he was so special.”
When asked why he’d answered the first part of the question in French, he claimed that he hadn’t. There’s no real point to that part of the story, I just thought it was interesting. So. Um.
June 29, 2011
Sorry, I keep forgetting.
AHEM.
On this date in the year 512 (2 To The Fighting 9th Power!), a solar eclipse was recorded by a monastic chronicler in Ireland. What’s notable about this? Why, only that Monastic Chronicler is definitely the name of my new Gregorian Chant/Slam Metal band. I’m not sure how that’s going to… sound, but with a name like Monastic Chronicler, you kind of have to book a few gigs, right?
They would play well with the other band names IB has suggested (either as actually cool, or completely terrible) over the years, such as Everlasting Faint (terrible), Malevolent Flying Squirrels (excellent), Ancient Gliding Beast (the best band name ever), Darwinian Rock (good/bad/back to good again), Seditious Libel (you’d see them, and you know it), Microburst (horrible), Röntgen (horribly German), and Autumnal Equinox (just unspeakably bad). What do these suggested band names say about me? Don’t let me name your band.
June 27, 2011
OH YEAH INSTANT BREAKFAST I FORGOT.
It’s Siebenschläfertag Day in Germany today! The day when the entire population must SIEBENSCHLAFERTAG OR STERBEN SIE! Actually, so the story goes, if it rains today it will be a rainy summer. Well, you know, I just don’t trust any weather-related prediction that doesn’t involve a giant hibernating rodent. But it’s raining here today. So if the rest of the summer turns out to be rainy, I’m going to Germany to TANZEN SIE DIE WEGNACHT! Wait, what?
June 23, 2011
On this date in 1969, retiring Chief Justice of the Supreme Court Earl Warren swore in the new Chief Justice Warren Burger. Many years late, Warren Burger had the distinct pleasure of swearing in Chief Justice Burger Earl who overcame an early political defeat to Mayor McCheese in order to reach this highest office. Ultimately, however, he too would retire. He would be replaced by Earrlen Burgerwar, who just messed things up so, so badly. Supreme Court? More like Supreme… Bad.
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Happy Saint Jonas Day! He was, as you may know, carrying the wheel. And though we’re thankful for all he’s shown us, this is how we feel.
June 22, 2011
On this date in 1812, Napoleon invaded Russia.
And then on this date in 1941, Hitler invaded Russia.
They both fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less known is this: don’t invade Russia.
Which… um… is actually part of Asia right? As it spans the entire length of the continent… hmm… so maybe the maxim should be:
1. Never get involved in a land war in Asia
1A. Russia counts as Asia
Now that’s a solid maxim. Yeah, baby!
