October 27, 2009
I woke up with a start. Which makes sense, as I had fallen asleep with an end. “It’s the circle of life,” I said aloud.
“And it moves us all,” croaked a voice behind in the corner. But there was nobody in the corner. There was just a cloth covering a thing that looked like it must have been a birdcage. I removed the cloth.
It was a birdcage.
Inside the birdcage? A bird.
“Hello, Matilda,” I said.
“I am your crow,” Matilda squawked, with a slight Yorkshire accent.
“I don’t have a crow.”
“What?”
We stared at each other.
“I had a dream I had a crow.”
“That was no dream, David.”
“I like your accent, Matilda.”
“What?
We stared at each other some more.
“Would you like a cracker?” I asked.
“I prefer crisps.”
“You know, Matilda,” I sighed. “The dream I had in which I had a crow was not such a good dream. For I also dreamed that I was a clone. If any part of that had to come true, I’m glad it was the part where I have a crow.”
“Yup.”
I reached up to scratch my head, which itched. And froze. For there, tattooed between my left thumb and forefinger, was the number 3.
“Actually, I think I would like a cracker.”
I passed out.
*****
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Instant Breakfast has gone crazy. I don’t know how I’m going to get out of this. Sorry. :)
One Day More
Instant Breakfast will return with an all-new episode tomorrow. You will be STUNNED while reading it. Provided, of course, that you augment your reading experience with a tazer.
October 23, 2009
The door is stuck. Let me see if I can just… pry it open with my crowbar. Where is that crowbar? Oh, here it is. BEHIND MY PET CROW. Hello, Matilda. How are you today?
Huh. When did I get a crow?
[nudge nudge. pull pull. CREEEEEEKCRASH]
Awfully dark in here. I wonder if there’s a light in…. a switch along the… oh. Here it is. I’ll just flick this on and
MUSICAL STING
What is this place? Beakers? Test tubes? Bubbling pots of goo? Is that an atomizer? Why is there a a science lab in a secret room in my home? And where is that low cackling coming from?
Oh dear. It’s coming from right behind me.
[turn]
It’s you!
yOu hAvE dIScOVerEd mY lAbOratOr
I have.
sO nOw yoU kNOw tHE TrUtH hAHa
Truth? What truth?
wHO yOu ReAlLy Am
Who am I? Who am I?
lOOk
Why, who is that? That’s me? If I’m in a tank in your lab, how can I also be me?
YoU hAvE BEEn CLonInatED
What?
ClOneDEd. yOU ARe CLoNeDeD.
Oh no. Oh no no. I’VE BEEN CLONED.
nO No nO. YOu aRE A ClONe. yOu. YoU> YOu.
No. No. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
yUp.
*****
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TO BE CONTINUED?
October 22, 2009
On this date in 362, a mysterious fire destroyed the Temple of Apollo at Antioch. Well, it was mysterious at the time. Of course we, us, we know that it was caused by the detonation of the Holy Hand Grenade.
That looks very nice, thank you.
And a very happy 198th birthday to Fr… wait a second? When did I get a tattoo? That’s odd. A tattoo of the number 2 on the back side of my left ear? And to think, I wouldn’t even have noticed it if I hadn’t been writing this while getting my hair cut.
The rounded back is lovely, thanks. See you next week, Sergio.
Huh. A strange tattoo. A weird feeling in my bones all week. I wonder what HOLD ON. That’s not a slightly off-color portion of the wall. That’s a secret door! I wonder where it leads! Let me just find out.
*****
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THE END?
October 21, 2009
On this date in 1520, Ferdinand Magellan discovered the Strait of Magellan. WHAT ARE THE ODDS?
On this date in 1983, the true and universal length of the meter (or “metre” to those Latin-speaking IBEaters) was decided at the seventeenth General Conference on Weights and Measures (or “NerdCon ‘83”, to you and me) as the distance light travels in a vacuum in 1/299,792,458 of a second (or “It’s about a yard, give or take” to the rest of the everlovin’ world).
*****
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It’s the weirdest thing. My genes feel all tight today, I think I can hear my mitochondria screaming, and I’m having trouble remembering the 1st through 4th grades. Anybody else experiencing this? Is this worldwide? Like Flashforward?
October 20, 2009
On this date in 1803, the United States Senate ratified the Louisiana Purchase. Jefferson immediately got in a horse-drawn carriage and took off South at full speed, aiming directly for New Orleans. Upon arrival in Jackson Square which, uh, was already named that (truth), Jefferson dismounted, cupped his hands around his mouth, and hollered: “What it is, Louisiana? YOU JUST GOT PURCHAS’T!” And then he danced and danced and danced.
You know, ever since I woke up Monday morning, something about this just doesn’t feel right. I mean, I feel like I’m writing IB, but I also feel like somebody else is writing it too.
I wonder what’s going on.
*****
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And whether the answer will be revealed before week’s end. HERE’S TO HOPING.
October 19, 2009
Tales in Human Bravery/Stupidity
I boarded the subway yesterday expecting to do the things I normally do on the subway, i.e. read and try not to let the noise bleed from others’ overloud headphones drive me into a murderous rage. OH MY GOD. TURN THEM DOWN.
But and anyway, instead of being engaged in my book and unkind thoughts of my fellow humans, I was instead MESMERIZED to watch the woman across from me apply mascara. On a moving train. I did not want to stare, but stare I did. It was like a Fincher movie. Every bump, every turn, every sudden slowdown brought me to the edge of my seat with worry. As skilled as she may have been, she was holding a wet black paintbrush up to her eyes. Which, if I’m not mistaken, are rather sensitive areas. But she successfully concluded, so I thought, her toilette, without giving a second coating to her retina.
BUT THEN, the young lady proceeded to pull out a SAFETY PIN, and began to use the OPEN SAFETY PIN to manually separate the newly mascara’d eyelashes from one another. I nearly yelped. I hope that she was on her way to play the harp at Carnegie Hall or conduct brain surgery or something else that required intense, perfect small-motor skills. Because if not then GAH.
She did not poke her eye out. This time. But I thought that IB should offer a public service announcement:
Hey, IBEaters: don’t hold sharp things up near your eyes while in moving vehicles, OK? Come on. {shiver}
Also, it’s John Le Carre’s 78th birthday today. I’m sure he’s somewhere lovely right now, just gardening nonstop.
*****
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THE MORE YOU KNOW.
October 16, 2009
On this date in 1793, Marie Antoinette got neckchopped for the crime of “being extremely rich”, which at that time was a crime that occasionally got one executed, as opposed to now where it’s like a necessary requirement for being elected into office.
Marie Antoinette is rumo(u)red to have said something about cake and crumpets as she was executed, but she didn’t really, but whoever let the truth stop them from telling a good story AMIRIGHT? What Marie Antoinette did say, and I believe I have this translated perfectly from the French, was “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”.
Also: Happy World Food day. Eat the world’s supply of food. Don’t get help. No cheating.
*****
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Well, look at that! I successfully made it through an entire week of IB’s without anything going wrong! I think I’ll make a toast to the continued success of IB:
[stands]
[raises coffee]
To the future of…
[a knock at the door]
Drat, hold on. Somebody’s at my office door, just give me a second. Hello, there? Are you interested in booking some space todOH HEAVENS NO IT’S THE SWAMP RABBIT I HAVE NO MEANS OF EGRESS HE’S FOUND ME AT MY PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT. STOP CACKLING AND RUBBING YOUR PAWS TOGETHER YOU MANGY OW NO NOT THE NET ANYTHING BUT THE NET! SOMEBODY ANYBODY PLEEEEEEEEEE
oH HAi iT haS bEEn sOmE lOng TIme. mAnY dAYS. i GRoW hUnGRy.
cARtEr oR caRrOTs. yOu mUSt fEed tHeM TO me.
wAiT i HeARd A jOke.
jOke: whAt iS iT caLLed aN AlLigator?
aNswEr; NOboDy kNows
YoU CAn lauGh NOw.
bYe.
October 15, 2009
It’s Global Handwashing Day! Which would be cool if it weren’t so terrifying. When did the globe get hands? And why are they dirty? And why hasn’t NASA told us? And what else are they keeping from us? SPACEPOX ARE COMING ZOMG WASH YOUR HANDS.
Happy 2078th birthday to Virgil, who was a poet, and totally knew it. Yes? Hello?
*****
Today’s Hallowe’en Costume Idea
A Sense of Imminent Doom
Dress in your favorite clothes, and punctuate everything you say by suddenly looking into the distance and screaming. Or, if you’d rather actually BE the sense of imminent doom rather than be EXPERIENCING the sense, you can just stand behind other people the whole night humming lowly and unexpectedly brushing up against them and shouting.
*****
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Has anybody else noticed that there are a lot more Caps-Lock exclamations in IB these days? What is that about?
October 14, 2009
Oh Totally Average Day! Good! OK! Today is the local holiday in Chişinău, the capital of Moldova, the unhappiest nation on the planet. Residents of Chişinău today will celebrate by grimacing less noticeably and adding another weird punctuation mark to their city’s name. I vote for a little circle over the h. Then they’ll all look at each other for slightly too long and say, “So what do you want to do tomorrow? Nothing?”
On this date in 1066, the army of William the Conqueror (or “Billy Conk” as he was known in those days) whomped on some Englishand killed king Harold II, the II greatest of the Harolds. This marks the last time, the Brits are fond of saying, that England was successfully conquered. Which I’m glad nobody mentioned to our previous President, because I’m pretty sure he would have thought you were just double-daring him to give it a shot.
Anyway, now England’s a parliamentary democracy AND a monarchy all at once. Which proves… something.
*****
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Yesterday’s IB contained an error (THE FIRST TIME THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED). IB claimed that Nero “set Rome and Fire”. This is not a thing that is possible to do. WE REGRET THE ERROR. WELL, YOU DO. I DON’T PARTICULARLY.
